About Diskmaster

> knowledge

It was the 02010 CBC Massey Lectures! After the introductions, Douglas Coupland took the stage and began to speak. Diskmaster walked up to the podium and bludgeoned Coupland to death in front of a televised audience! He then gave the lecture in his place, about the anthropological origins of the Banhammer.

> entertainment

We were talking in a modernist living room. Diskmaster demoed his new TV show for us!
In it, Diskmaster was framed for the murder of the president! Now a fugitive and on the run, he must solve the mystery and clear his name! His character wore a trench coat and a fedora! He often used the catchphrase: "Relax. I have connections in Michigan."
When we were done viewing the pilot, all my teeth fell out.
After extensive marketing, the show went to air on prime-time television. Thousands of American households tuned in to see the hotly anticipated premiere of the summer! All their teeth fell out too.
The American Dental Association objected to such obscenities! They began a negative advertisement campaign against Diskmaster. They stood on the moral highground to promote a healthier lifestyle. Then all their teeth fell out.
Sensing a public relations disaster, the TV station attempted to pull the show from broadcast. It was an entirely rational choice given the circumstances before them. All their teeth fell out. The show remained.
The next night, the president of the United States talked to the nation with a state of the union address during the show's timeslot. All his teeth fell out
Even by then, there remained people who hadn't seen or heard of Diskmaster's show! All their teeth fell out too.
Soon, the manhunt began. Mobs formed to take their revenge upon him. Diskmaster was nowhere to be found! The entire state of Michigan bore the blame.

> christmas

The story of Christmas was reinvented to better fit modern society!
The three wise men followed the brightest star in the sky to the wilderness in the Swiss countryside! Over a cliff, they came upon the Large Hadron Collider, floating in existential illusion as the fabric of reality twisted the surroundings.
They entered, and a lineup of Half Life NPCs gathered to honour their arrival! The mood was somber, quiet, nervous. They led the wise men to the central testing room, where, upon a mass of flaming hot coals, lay baby Diskmaster, our lord and saviour!
Each wise man presented him gifts: a 3.7 ghz processor, a bag of severed limbs, and a used copy of "Theatre of the Absurd" by Martin Esslin.

> death

Diskmaster died. We were at his grave. There was a funeral. Diskmaster was laid into the ground as Diskmaster read the eulogy.
Diskmaster, Diskmaster, and Diskmaster all sighed. Diskmaster wore a widow's gown and sobbed. Diskmaster stood in the back and tried not to emote. Diskmaster spoke longingly about Diskmaster, recalling the olden days when he, him and Diskmaster went over to smoke pot at Diskmaster's place. Diskmaster gossiped with Diskmaster, wondering if everything in the will was really left to Diskmaster.
Diskmaster missed Diskmaster already. Diskmaster was tired of this. Diskmaster drank too much whiskey. Diskmaster got into a piss-drunk barfight with Diskmaster. Diskmaster banhammered Diskmaster in a moment of rage. Diskmaster came with the rest of the police and arrested Diskmaster, but it was too late to save Diskmaster.
Diskmaster died. We were at his grave. There was a funeral. Diskmaster was laid into the ground as Diskmaster read the eulogy.

> hero

It was a dark, neofeudal future. North America was run by Walmart, at war with Europe, who was conquered by NewsCorp. The oppressed masses were kept silent with cheap fast food and brand management.
Toronto police mass-arrested people on the streets and in their homes by sending out "agent sabatours" so that they could have a reason to arrest them in the first place. Detainees were brought into dark rooms where G20 leaders sadistically tortured them to drink their blood from the Fountain of Youth.
Diskmaster approached the dark Torontoian citadel, flaming wings and Banhammer in tow. He smashed through the impenetrable fortress like electrified ice. Guards came to issue summary execution, but no matter how many bullets pierced through Diskmaster, he advanced with godlike speed, striking down all in his way.
Within minutes, the entire ruling class was reduced to a bloody plup. Even though downtown Toronto was ablaze, masses grateful innocents gathered to praise Diskmaster, their hero.
But Diskmaster was not satisfied.
He descended from his perch into the crowds and punched every one of them in the goddamn face. When crowd turned on him, his beatings became slaughters. He began to cleanse Toronto of every living thing he could find.
Entire countries sensed danger and sent their forces after him, but Diskmaster leveled their armies and shot down their armadas singlehandedly.
The world\'s population had been reduced by half. In a last-minute attempt, everyone from opposing walks of life teamed up to take out Diskmaster.
One by one, they all fell by his hand.
Within hours, the entire population of the Earth reduced to one single person.
But Diskmaster was not satisfied.

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